Well, I'll try my best to summarize *cracks knuckles*
> God exists 'cause of incontingency/being the uncaused cause
> God creates err'thin'
> God spends one day at rest, presumably to watch the game. I mean, I would.
> God does NOT create the dinosaurs
> A wild Adam appears!
> A wild Adam gives rib to allow Eve to exist
> God tells Adam and Eve not to eat a certain fruit
> Babies are made
> Serpentine creature tempts Eve into eating forbidden fruit
> Eve (the woman, naturally) tempts Adam into committing literally the only sin in existence at the time, becoming the Pandora of her mythology
> Fall of man
> Shit starts going down fo' real
> One of the babies kills another, gets a mark
> Noah is commanded to build a giant ark
> Takes two of all the animal species in the world (except for the unicorns, for some reason) and squeezes them onto said ark
> The great deluge happens
> Noah
doesn't meet Gilgamesh on his voyage
> Noah receives the Noahide laws and a rainbow is seen in the distance
> Gentiles everywhere secretly rejoice, no longer afraid of losing their foreskins
> Abraham is informed of a promised land
> Abraham is told to sacrifice son Isaac
> "lol nah, just kidding bro" - God
> Literal
and metaphorical lamb is offered as sacrifice instead
> Jews exist now
> Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed
> Moses finds burning bush
> Aforementioned shrub speaks to Moses
> "yo, I've got a favor to ask, man. Lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into Canaan. kthx" - God
> "k" - Moses
> Moses liberates Jews like a badass Egyptian Lincoln
> The Ten Commandments are handed down to Moses on Mount Sinai after being there for 40 days
> Moses destroys tablets with laws carved in in a fit of anger, commands genocide after discovering idolatrous behavior (even though, you know, the laws concerning idolatry weren't presented in writing to the Levites yet)
> First historical case of the Nuremberg Defense
> Moses goes back for another 40 days to get laws again, presumably mumbling in the process
> Leviticus (that's the one that forbids fun things but also gross and hurtful things)
> The people of Judea become desert nomads for 40 years
> They finally arrive in the promised land
> Deuteronomy
> Torah is concluded, other things happen afterwards
(approx. 10 centuries after the events of the Torah, or 4 centuries after the last book in the Tanakh)
> A virgin is told she is pregnant after archangel tells her
> Aware that she doesn't take illicit substances and is therefore not hallucinating, said virgin takes information for granted
> Joseph is presumably baffled
> Baby is born in a stable
> Three wise men bring gifts that are of little to no necessity to said child
> Mother Mary names child "Yeshua", later anglicized as "Jesus"
> Approximately 30 years go by
> Jesus is a rabbi now
> Teaches ethical conduct to peeps
> Secularists like king Herod get mad
> He and His followers are persecuted
> One of Jesus' apostles sells Him out to the Romans who pay him thirty pieces of silver
> The king of kings gets executed,
becomes the metaphorical (but not literal) lamb mentioned earlier
> All of humanity is redeemed
> Pontius Pilate feels guilty
> Judas returns money to Romans, kills himself
at least four times
> Jesus
resu resuc ressucitates does that thing I can't spell
> Christians exist now (albeit as a Jewish sect)
> Paul (ex-Christian-persecutor, post-crucifixion apostle, current saint) and Peter (first "pope") debate on whether cutting off foreskins is necessary to be a Christian
> Paul wins debate, Gentiles/potential converts rejoice once more
> Christianity becomes its own thing
> Other things happen
And that's basically the gist of it.
I will legitimately feel bad if any of this constitutes as blasphemy (also, to note, is that I know the stories aren't exactly the way I tell them (also, dinosaurs were totally real, guys). In fact, Joseph might not have actually historically been in a relationship with Mary at all but rather merely a father figure to Christ, having taken a liking for Mary as a nun (who therefore was a virgin) in the convent they both worked in. Also, I'm an agnostic that is generally pro-Christian on many accounts and am baptized as a Catholic).
