Music Talk Board

Full Version: The Venting/Ranting/Hugging Thread!
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
(08-15-2014, 11:03 PM)carlcockatoo Wrote: [ -> ]Woah I saw that Thrash was posting and I thought 'I'm about to get torn up let's go. 8) ' but that is actually a good post and you explained to sam the idea I was trying to convey but better.

And yes I do not intend to portray my parents as these awful people as dumb as my posts here are. We have a weird relationship (not a bad one like brad's or worse :/ hope he's doing well) that I will not divulge into here but my theory is that a lot of this comes from the fact that our priorities are different. By priorities I don't mean things like education and finances. I just mean that I have my own goals and those aren't the same goals they and for themselves when they were my age. I don't want to be them when I grow up (I don't mean this in a disrespectful way). And they don't like it.

I'm sure it will blow over and I am already less mad. :flower:

Aw fuck I forgot about your cancer I hope that is going better. ;_; I understand that you probably don't like talking about it and I'm not expecting a response to this part, but I want you to know I care.
Sounds like you already have the right perspective dude, that's good.

Yeah it's going better. Still sucks but, hey, stuff happens. Can't fret about what you can't control, just make the best out of it. It's better to be thankful for what you have than wallow in what you don't.
So many positive vibes in this forum in the past couple of days.

Not even cancer and ranting can bring it down. Confusedunny:

You're a good person thrash.
I almost got hit by a car today. My road rage consisted of "woah buddy".
(08-15-2014, 10:51 PM)peternorthstars Wrote: [ -> ]
(08-15-2014, 09:01 PM)crazysam23 Wrote: [ -> ]Well...you have 2 options:
  • Obey their rules (and therefore suck it up)
    OR
  • Move out.

Confusedhrug:

A mentality like this is out of date and is a major reason why slip is having an issue.

It's hard for parents of an older generation to understand that the current landscape for young people isn't what they grew up with. Kids are staying with their parents longer as a necessity and as a sacrifice for their future. Being restrictive and overbearing like that just hinders the kid from growing up. I'm sure a kid loves living with helicopter parents restricting them with silly middle-school restrictions and having a complete lack of freedom/independence.

Your statement seems to be the "it's not you it's me" of parenting. Once upon a time any dickhead with a high-school degree could wander out and make something of himself with a bit of hard work. Not the case anymore.
Nah, I'm basing this off the mentality that, if someone is paying for you and supporting you financially, they can pretty much dictate stuff like that to you. You may not like it, but it's how it is.

To bring a non-parenting example into the mix, suppose you're working for a company, and the company pays for you to get a master's degree. They expect you to get certain grades, because they don't want their money wasted. Why can they do this? Because it's the company's money.

And trust me, I know all about not moving until "later". Until a few months ago, I was living with my parents. And I'm 25. But just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't have to follow your parent's rules. Confusedhrug:
@thrash/peter/which ever you prefer: You've always come off as someone who only 'rages' when you are personally offended, but this is just off internet posts.

When I'm on the receiving end I'm the same way but in cases where I'm the one being a bad driver (which isn't often) I feel awful and sad for like three hours lol.

Sam, I think it is reasonable to be expected to things. Your grade example doesn't hold up. They pay for the house I live in, so I do certain things to help like maintain the yard (the fact that I even have to say this makes me feel 10 again lol). A more accurate comparison is if your company paid for you to go to college but you are not allowed to leave the campus every now and then for no reason. And I follow their rules. Stop accusing me of being some spoilt brat who doesn't understand rules. They have specifically told me I can come and go whenever I please, but then they do stuff like this.

Edited for proofreading, hope this post is readable now lol.
(08-15-2014, 11:20 PM)crazysam23 Wrote: [ -> ]
(08-15-2014, 10:51 PM)peternorthstars Wrote: [ -> ]
(08-15-2014, 09:01 PM)crazysam23 Wrote: [ -> ]Well...you have 2 options:
  • Obey their rules (and therefore suck it up)
    OR
  • Move out.

:shrug:

A mentality like this is out of date and is a major reason why slip is having an issue.

It's hard for parents of an older generation to understand that the current landscape for young people isn't what they grew up with. Kids are staying with their parents longer as a necessity and as a sacrifice for their future. Being restrictive and overbearing like that just hinders the kid from growing up. I'm sure a kid loves living with helicopter parents restricting them with silly middle-school restrictions and having a complete lack of freedom/independence.

Your statement seems to be the "it's not you it's me" of parenting. Once upon a time any dickhead with a high-school degree could wander out and make something of himself with a bit of hard work. Not the case anymore.
Nah, I'm basing this off the mentality that, if someone is paying for you and supporting you financially, they can pretty much dictate stuff like that to you. You may not like it, but it's how it is.

To bring a non-parenting example into the mix, suppose you're working for a company, and the company pays for you to get a master's degree. They expect you to get certain grades, because they don't want their money wasted. Why can they do this? Because it's the company's money.

And trust me, I know all about not moving until "later". Until a few months ago, I was living with my parents. And I'm 25. But just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't have to follow your parent's rules. :shrug:
Well I guess it makes sense you don't really understand the implications of completely demeaning and impacting the mental psyche of a young adult if you want to compare parenting to a corporation. Do they have the legal right to act in such a manner? Sure they do. Is it understandable why they would have that perspective? Sure it is.

But that doesn't mean those actions are an example of good parenting. It shows a complete disregard and ignorance towards how the modern world functions and towards their own kid. It's stressing ideologies two generations old based upon a foundation that has been rotting for twenty years.

Holding that kind of opinion is having little empathy towards your own son or daughter. I understand why it happens but it's really strange to me. It's also in many ways a very American way of viewing things so maybe that's the issue.

It's also not wise to stress such an ideology when you will likely be relying on your kid to look after you when you are elderly. ;)

Call me Peter North, I'm something of an avid filmmaker. Google my shit. :D

It's the nice ones that will wear your skin as a suitjacket if you push them. There's no release. I'm oppressed by perpetual manners and niceness!!!1
(08-15-2014, 11:37 PM)peternorthstars Wrote: [ -> ]Well I guess it makes sense you don't really understand the implications of completely demeaning and impacting the mental psyche of a young adult if you want to compare parenting to a corporation.
Don't read so much into that, dude. I wasn't demeaning anyone.

Quote:Do they have the legal right to act in such a manner? Sure they do. Is it understandable why they would have that perspective? Sure it is.

But that doesn't mean those actions are an example of good parenting.
"Good parenting" is subjective. What I mean is, ask any 2 people what "good parenting" is, and you'll get 5 different opinions.

Quote:It shows a complete disregard and ignorance towards how the modern world functions and towards their own kid. It's stressing ideologies two generations old based upon a foundation that has been rotting for twenty years.
Holding that kind of opinion is having little empathy towards your own son or daughter. I understand why it happens but it's really strange to me. It's also in many ways a very American way of viewing things so maybe that's the issue.
I don't think it's indicative of little empathy. I think it's indicative of trying to reinforce responsibility.

Quote:It's also not wise to stress such an ideology when you will likely be relying on your kid to look after you when you are elderly. Wink
That would be a really shitty way to treat your elderly parents...

I know you're joking, but come on, man. Tongue
crazysam Wrote:Don't read so much into that, dude. I wasn't demeaning anyone
I'm just trying to explain why an argument like that only reinforces the problem. An inability to be empathetic towards the situation your kid is in and be understanding.

You can't reinforce responsibility when you restrict your son or daughter's ability to actually learn some responsibility. "My house my rules" doesn't really work when young people are showing responsibility and maturity by staying at home in the first place. It takes discipline to stay in a situation where you are sacrificing your freedom and happiness to make an intelligent decision for your future.

Having an open discussion about expectations towards keeping the house running and helping out with expenses, that's perfectly reasonable. That's reinforcing responsibility and making sure your kid is learning how to be responsible and self-sufficient.

Restricting leaving the house and stopping the person from having a healthy social life isn't. That's treating a young adult like they are some misbehaving juvenile that got caught smoking a joint in the school bathroom during grade 8 math class. Let kids trying to learn how to be adults act like adults. Treat them like adults.

Imagine you are running a business sam. :-)
(08-16-2014, 12:17 AM)peternorthstars Wrote: [ -> ]
crazysam Wrote:Don't read so much into that, dude. I wasn't demeaning anyone
I'm just trying to explain why an argument like that only reinforces the problem. An inability to be empathetic towards the situation your kid is in and be understanding.
I think you're placing too much emphasis on empathy towards one's kids. A parent shouldn't be letting empathy rule their decisions. Yes, you need to consider your kid's feelings, but the parent still needs to be able to step back and view the situation in a "Bigger Picture" kind of light.

Quote:You can't reinforce responsibility when you restrict your son or daughter's ability to actually learn some responsibility. "My house my rules" doesn't really work when young people are showing responsibility and maturity by staying at home in the first place. It takes discipline to stay in a situation where you are sacrificing your freedom and happiness to make an intelligent decision for your future.
Yes, and that is commendable. But that doesn't mean, since your parents own the house, that they shouldn't be able to have things the way they want it.
Let's give another example. Suppose you have a roommate. You and your roommate (who are both contributing financially, hopefully) decide on rules and generally use good manners. The thing is, you both are sharing that house/apartment.

But see, your roommate isn't your parents. Your roommate has no responsibility over you (in the sense your parents do, when you still live at home) and has no emotional attachment to you beyond friendship (hopefully). The dynamic between an adult child and adult parents is still a parent-child dynamic. Your parents still have their parental authority, regardless of your age.

Quote:Having an open discussion about expectations towards keeping the house running and helping out with expenses, that's perfectly reasonable. That's reinforcing responsibility and making sure your kid is learning how to be responsible and self-sufficient.
Agreed.

Quote:Restricting leaving the house and stopping the person from having a healthy social life isn't.
Assuming this is the case, yes.

But, no offense to carl, we're not seeing his parent's side. He has already said he has lied to his parents about where he is going. (carl, I'm not judging you or anything, I'm just saying.) If his parents figured that out, maybe they feel like they shouldn't trust someone who lies to them to "drive safely".

Quote:That's treating a young adult like they are some misbehaving juvenile that got caught smoking a joint in the school bathroom during grade 8 math class.
Since smoking a joint is both against school/workplace policies and against the law in the US, I don't know that this is the best example.

Quote:Let kids trying to learn how to be adults act like adults. Treat them like adults.
The counter to this is that adult kids should act like adults.

As mentioned before, maybe carl's parents have figured out he is lying to them about where he goes and have therefore decided he isn't responsible enough to "drive safely". (Again, not judging you, carl. I'm just trying to emphasize that your parents might see it that way.)
this is Will the cock I do not think bob would appreciate this. :p

I don't necessarily lie but I generally don't tell the full truth about where I'm at and what I'm doing because they are very judgmental people and will lose respect for me over the littlest things. I basically have to put on a facade whenever I'm around them. It's pathetic how I have to defend myself because I drove/walked to the store to buy school supplies or some shit like that.

For example, when I went to meet Blake when he was in my city, I told the truth about where I was going. But I didn't tell them how I got there because they associate walking and taking the bus with being a criminal and they have told me they don't want me doing it, even if it's not an official rule. But I have never denied doing it either.

Sometimes I'll be with a girl or something (platonic mind you >_>) and they'll call me wondering exactly where I'm at and exactly what I'm doing at that moment and why I didn't come home immediately after I did whatever it is I said we're doing. I tell them when I expect to be home, but I don't think this type of thing is really any of their business, unless you want to argue that they are concerned about their car's safety. Even when I tell them what I'm doing they get more intrusive. I get most caring parents do this example but they are crazy about it, especially when I get chastised over it for an hour when I get back because I didn't tell them specifically what I was doing in someone's house.

And since 'Peter North Stars' (I believed you and googled that buy the way. Lol) brought up a healthy social life, I'll say this: My lack of a meaningful social life is my own fault and I'm not blaming anyone else, but if I did have one I bet they would hinder it. A couple of weeks ago I had to persuade them for ten minutes just to go to a movie with some people I went to school with. They have said no to stuff like this before, and I feel like this is overbearing for an 18 year old.

If they were to see this thread and post in it they would say that I am overly negative and deny some of it (while admitting to other parts). This is what they tell me when I confront them, and I go with it thinking maybe we built a better understanding. Then they slide right back into pulling the same tricks. In practice I'm only 'allowed' to do what they like to do and how they to do it, and that's partially what I mean when I say they're trying to make me grow up the exact way they did (though there's more to this, and this is something they'd deny. It might not be a conscious thing they do, but they are definitely doing it).

I'm probably coming off as overly harsh now and again, I'm not trying to make it seem like a serious problem. They are good in other ways. But this is honestly insulting, and it's only a minor method they use to intrude into my life.

To make this more than just me talking about superficial things, I'll state what I see to be a reasonable relationship between parents and their 18 year old living at home:

1. I help in maintaining the home.
2. I clean up after myself.
3. I respect house rules (I mean stuff like no smoking, not 'I am suddenly not allowed to go somewhere').
4. Obvious shit like not being loud and disrespectful, not randomly bringing people over with no permission, etc.
5. Pay rent (depending on the agreement)
6. Respect other people's privacy
7. As the kid, it's reasonable for parent's to be concerned for their kid's safety, so I don't mind telling them where I'm going or whatever to a reasonable extent.
8. Since you keep mentioning the car, respect when they need it, etc.
9. It's also reasonable to expect me to get a job (which I've been working on) and/or to do something that will advance my career so I can move out sooner rather than later (which I am doing by going to college).