Thanks Debs, I appreciate it. That sort of offer reminds me of myself, believe it or not, always trying to carry out great acts just to cheer somebody up. And yes, I agree that philosophy is my poison, but I philosophize naturally; as much as I would love to just stop thinking about every single thing in the world at every single possible angle, which drives me nuts, it's customary for me to do it. I honestly wish I could just lay back and just not think about it, believe me. Yes, I've been going through some existential panic since around November (maybe a little before) but this is not what has been bothering me lately, at least, not primarily. I am nowhere near being a nihilist, but I am extremely agnostic and it freaks me out (actually I've recently heard a pretty compelling argument for the existence of God but it doesn't necessarily entail afterlife or even a
loving God).
I'm still really fugging down about where I am right now. My life has no direction, it used to be so much goddamn better and I don't think it's going to be that way anymore. As you know, I've been having problems of all sorts with the person I care about more than anything and that's just the killer. I'm paranoid about almost everything and confused beyond relief about absolutely everything, I've come to the conclusion that the best time of my life is passed and that it won't come back (because I've tried, god knows I have), and sometimes I even have dark thoughts. As in, "what would happen if I went to a bank with a gun in my hand? I mean I'm too much of a wimp and moralistic person to actually fire it, but at least I'll get some attention". I wouldn't actually act upon these ("what if I faked my own death?"), but I've been thinking them, wondering what they would entail (no suicidal thoughts beyond "I wonder if so-and-so would miss me if", though). I sometimes feel like I'm set to fail because that's been my life up to now. There isn't much I've actually succeeded in, and even then, my success was ephemeral.
I've become extraordinarily apathetic and I don't even know whether I want to even become a musician anymore (at least, a touring one with albums and stuff). Not that there is anything I'd rather do. I want to go down in history with a good name but life goes on and I'm too apathetic to actually set my mind to it, and while I'm wondering about what I should do, time goes on, I get older and grayer and deader. I wish so much that I could go back in time and force my younger self to pick up like, 7 other arts because I envy my polymath friends and acquaintances so much. Seriously, I feel like I've wasted my childhood because I don't seem to know about that many things like everyone else does, be it arts or pop-culture and it pisses me the fuck off. Also I would beat the shit out of my younger self for not taking school more seriously.
Plus I've been wondering today if love is worth it. Is it worth putting so much attachment and love into other people if in the end they're just going to grow old, gray and unhealthy and eventually die and leave you? That's if they don't just completely flip the fuck out and become polar opposites of themselves. It's depressing because to me it seems like the most enticing course of action is to remain a stoic loner (which I'm not really, I have friends and family, but maybe I shouldn't).
All in all, I used to be the jolliest roger in the world and nothing could kick me down. I had everything and took absolutely nothing I cherished and appreciated for granted, yet I've lost so much. Even when I was sad, a good night sleep would make me feel better and I could still laugh and enjoy life. Now when I'm in a low (and I haven't been truly happy since around September) I truly feel like garbage.
And the worst part is that I feel like shit because I feel like my complaining is unjustified and that my sometimes taking what I still have for granted could wind me up in an even worse situation, because the laws of nature are a sadistic and ironic cunt in that way. "Oh, you're happy now, Joel? Hahaha WELL FUCK YOU" *Murphy's law*
Also it's rants like this about "asinine shit that doesn't matter" that apparently makes me a pain in the ass that in the end nobody wants to help. I know that at a certain point I need to rely on myself for my problems but I really have no more clue as to what I'm supposed to do anymore. Oftentimes I'm trying to do the right thing and it ends up blowing up in my face.
Sorry for the wall of text but this is my catharsis. When I say that Kafka is writing my life down in a book, I sometimes honestly feel that way.
Also:
(05-01-2013, 07:37 PM)debbie Wrote: [ -> ]I'm here for you all the way.
I've already been told that before and it wasn't true :\