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Full Version: The Venting/Ranting/Hugging Thread!
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I'd laugh if I didn't feel like death.
(04-30-2013, 04:04 AM)Adam Wrote: [ -> ]Ok so i've just kinda became mad at myself, my gf texted me and asked when can i hang out with her, and for like 5 minutes i sat there thinking about how i really want time to myself and what excuse to come up with to get away from it.
Then i realised we are together like 2 weeks and already i feel tired out of it, wtf is wrong with me, i spent so much time feeling forever alone as all my friends are couples and shit and i'm just sitting there by myself being a third/fifth/17'th weel, and now that i'm with someone i really like i feel like i'm about to fuck it up

And the problem i'm having now is i'm still feeling like i want time to myself, but also like saying no to her will basically say to her that i'm not interested in her so much anymore

And i really like her, she has a great sense of humor like i've never seen in a chick before, appriciates good music and has similar opinions like i have about a lot of stuff but not so much that we never argue about stuff, i'm never bored with her

Man i don't wanna fuck this up

This is me being confused about shit going on inside my head

Adam, what you are feeling are completely normal. You have gotten so accustomed to your abundance of alone time for quite a while that you kinda start to feel that spending so much time with one person is changing you and is changing your routine/life. Take it from me, I had serious commitment issues before my current bf (going for 5 years now in July). My longest relationship before him was 2 months with an average length of 2 weeks before I would convince myself of some ridiculous reason to get out of the relationship. I got scared so I ran. Before you get paranoid and think you are going to screw this up; just stop, step back and look at it rationally. That first butterfly/honeymoon phase of a relationship messes with your mind in both a good and bad way.

Don't be afraid that you're going to screw it up, if you keep thinking that you will...trust me, I know.

Plus, I fully agree with Sam. Talk to her, tell her what you feel and listen to what she has to say.

Your next time you doubt will be when you get to 3 months. Trust me, I don't know how it works but it goes like this - the timeline of having doubt in relationship: 2 weeks, 3 months, 7/8 months, 13 months and then 2 years.

(05-01-2013, 04:51 PM)JoelCarli Wrote: [ -> ]I'd laugh if I didn't feel like death.

Joel, sounds like you are going through an existentialistic crisis. Unfortunately, you are the only that can solve that problem, but I'm here for you all the way. If I lived closer I would've been there in a flash to drag you ass out of the house and take you somewhere to take your mind of things and try to talk some sense into that philosophical brain of yours. I'm starting to think philosophy is bad for your mental health, because all the philosophers I know go through that some time in their lives. It's like a pre-mature midlife crisis, but very pre-mature.
Thanks Debs, I appreciate it. That sort of offer reminds me of myself, believe it or not, always trying to carry out great acts just to cheer somebody up. And yes, I agree that philosophy is my poison, but I philosophize naturally; as much as I would love to just stop thinking about every single thing in the world at every single possible angle, which drives me nuts, it's customary for me to do it. I honestly wish I could just lay back and just not think about it, believe me. Yes, I've been going through some existential panic since around November (maybe a little before) but this is not what has been bothering me lately, at least, not primarily. I am nowhere near being a nihilist, but I am extremely agnostic and it freaks me out (actually I've recently heard a pretty compelling argument for the existence of God but it doesn't necessarily entail afterlife or even a loving God).

I'm still really fugging down about where I am right now. My life has no direction, it used to be so much goddamn better and I don't think it's going to be that way anymore. As you know, I've been having problems of all sorts with the person I care about more than anything and that's just the killer. I'm paranoid about almost everything and confused beyond relief about absolutely everything, I've come to the conclusion that the best time of my life is passed and that it won't come back (because I've tried, god knows I have), and sometimes I even have dark thoughts. As in, "what would happen if I went to a bank with a gun in my hand? I mean I'm too much of a wimp and moralistic person to actually fire it, but at least I'll get some attention". I wouldn't actually act upon these ("what if I faked my own death?"), but I've been thinking them, wondering what they would entail (no suicidal thoughts beyond "I wonder if so-and-so would miss me if", though). I sometimes feel like I'm set to fail because that's been my life up to now. There isn't much I've actually succeeded in, and even then, my success was ephemeral.

I've become extraordinarily apathetic and I don't even know whether I want to even become a musician anymore (at least, a touring one with albums and stuff). Not that there is anything I'd rather do. I want to go down in history with a good name but life goes on and I'm too apathetic to actually set my mind to it, and while I'm wondering about what I should do, time goes on, I get older and grayer and deader. I wish so much that I could go back in time and force my younger self to pick up like, 7 other arts because I envy my polymath friends and acquaintances so much. Seriously, I feel like I've wasted my childhood because I don't seem to know about that many things like everyone else does, be it arts or pop-culture and it pisses me the fuck off. Also I would beat the shit out of my younger self for not taking school more seriously.

Plus I've been wondering today if love is worth it. Is it worth putting so much attachment and love into other people if in the end they're just going to grow old, gray and unhealthy and eventually die and leave you? That's if they don't just completely flip the fuck out and become polar opposites of themselves. It's depressing because to me it seems like the most enticing course of action is to remain a stoic loner (which I'm not really, I have friends and family, but maybe I shouldn't).


All in all, I used to be the jolliest roger in the world and nothing could kick me down. I had everything and took absolutely nothing I cherished and appreciated for granted, yet I've lost so much. Even when I was sad, a good night sleep would make me feel better and I could still laugh and enjoy life. Now when I'm in a low (and I haven't been truly happy since around September) I truly feel like garbage.

And the worst part is that I feel like shit because I feel like my complaining is unjustified and that my sometimes taking what I still have for granted could wind me up in an even worse situation, because the laws of nature are a sadistic and ironic cunt in that way. "Oh, you're happy now, Joel? Hahaha WELL FUCK YOU" *Murphy's law*

Also it's rants like this about "asinine shit that doesn't matter" that apparently makes me a pain in the ass that in the end nobody wants to help. I know that at a certain point I need to rely on myself for my problems but I really have no more clue as to what I'm supposed to do anymore. Oftentimes I'm trying to do the right thing and it ends up blowing up in my face.

Sorry for the wall of text but this is my catharsis. When I say that Kafka is writing my life down in a book, I sometimes honestly feel that way.

Also:

(05-01-2013, 07:37 PM)debbie Wrote: [ -> ]I'm here for you all the way.
I've already been told that before and it wasn't true :\
Shit, Joel. That makes my last rant sound like fun. Sad

The only thing I can think of to say is to keep bettering yourself (learning like you wanted, keep being a good person) and try, as hard as you possibly can, to try to tune out those thoughts that are making you miserable.
Hahahaha, nah, it's okay.
Of course, my goal is to be a polymath, but I feel like I've wasted and am wasting my life and I can do nearly nothing about it.
To a person who shall remain nameless*:
*And isn't on this forum, btw.
No, I don't have autism, you bitch. It's not my fault you took everything I said seriously. Yeah, I know I said a lot of stupid things on the internet at times, but assuming I have autism because of it is stupid and illogical. Most of what I say on the internet isn't meant to be taken seriously anyway. Lighten up a little, huh?
I'm a very logical person who doesn't frequently see things beyond the logical side. I can usually see the emotional side of things, but I don't typically bother to do that when arguing with people I've never even met on the internet. I don't see how this could possibly make me autistic.

I usually don't give a shit what people on the internet think of me, but calling me autistic is fucking ridiculous. The fact that you keep assuming that is annoying. I really have no idea why you feel the need to keep being such a bitch.

/rant

Edit:
Sorry, ran into someone I really dislike on another forum. I think you get the rest of it without the context.
Thanks Debbs, that helps and terrifies me in the same time lol.

Joel (omg he's calling him by his name because this is actually pretty serious) I'll take some time read that wall of text later and (maybe) comment about it. but still :rape: (that's a hug)

And Sam, i'm finding a bit of irony in your post, i hope you understand why.
Thanks.

Yeah I wouldn't really take anything that other person says seriously, Sam. To me, it sounds like you know your stuff so I'd assume they are in the wrong Confusedhrug: